Not Ever Again

The word of the day is anxiety. A lack of sleep leads to it.

In me, anyway.

Last night was somewhat weird. I remember being half‑awake and hearing someone say something about not worrying about doing something now, but doing it when I can. I went back to sleep. Then I woke up around 3, got out of bed, and wondered if something had happened.

It hadn’t.

For some reason I put coffee on, went upstairs, and took a shower. I got dressed, came back down, and was so drowsy I could barely do anything.

So I stayed up until 7:30.

I know — why?

I can’t figure it out, either. But I went back to bed at that point and later got up at 10:30 feeling pretty good.

It didn't last, though.

Anxiety crept in throughout the day, and I felt like I was cracking up. Things that are usually minor annoyances were getting to me in a big way. I put up with it, because I had to. I know there was one slice of an hour where I felt like just sitting and doing literally nothing. I kind of needed that, because limiting experience limits anxiety.

At least, for me it does.

However, now I feel okay, I would suppose because the day’s winding down, and bedtime is near. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s that I’ll never stay up when I wake up early again.

I really don’t know why I did it this time.

UPDATE 8/23

Up at 2 in the morning. Duty called, and now bed awaits.

Good night.