I have a toothache that only hurts when I drink coffee.
Wouldn't you know it? I have to have coffee, so I have to be in pain.
Whatever.
I think there's a small crack in a tooth from the grinding I've been doing. I tried to get it taken care of earlier, but it was too small for the dentist to see.
However, I think they'll probably be able to detect it now. I mean, the pain is radiating into my ear.
I haven't had dental problems in a long time, so I suppose I'm overdue. I also haven't been going to the dentist because of everything going on around me.
I've got to pay them a visit now, though. I just hope I'm not in root canal territory.
The word of the day is anxiety. A lack of sleep leads to it.
In me, anyway.
Last night was somewhat weird. I remember being half‑awake and hearing someone say something about not worrying about doing something now, but doing it when I can. I went back to sleep. Then I woke up around 3, got out of bed, and wondered if something had happened.
It hadn’t.
For some reason I put coffee on, went upstairs, and took a shower. I got dressed, came back down, and was so drowsy I could barely do anything.
So I stayed up until 7:30.
I know — why?
I can’t figure it out, either. But I went back to bed at that point and later got up at 10:30 feeling pretty good.
It didn't last, though.
Anxiety crept in throughout the day, and I felt like I was cracking up. Things that are usually minor annoyances were getting to me in a big way. I put up with it, because I had to. I know there was one slice of an hour where I felt like just sitting and doing literally nothing. I kind of needed that, because limiting experience limits anxiety.
At least, for me it does.
However, now I feel okay, I would suppose because the day’s winding down, and bedtime is near. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s that I’ll never stay up when I wake up early again.
I really don’t know why I did it this time.
UPDATE 8/23
Up at 2 in the morning. Duty called, and now bed awaits.
I'm in a weird mood. I think I'm losing hope that the person I'm caregiving for is ever going to walk unassisted again. He's slower than ever, for no apparent reason. It could be dementia causing it, but our neurologist appointment isn’t until late September. Who knows what condition he'll be in by then.
I also don't feel like eating. I'll probably eat dinner, but that'll be it. All I have in me right now is coffee.
Additionally, I'm wondering how much I should tell my psychiatrist during my virtual visit tomorrow. My mind has been drifting into negative places, but it's always temporary. Today, I just don't care about much. I'm going through the motions and feeling numb about it all. I'm not in a positive mood or a negative mood — I just am.
And whatever happens, happens.
So, I suppose things could be worse. I could be getting mad about everything. There's no point in that, though.
These are words that break my heart when it comes to individuals living with dementia. Maybe it’s because I once said the same thing myself during a mental breakdown years ago.
In fact, I'm sure it is.
I don’t know how or why it happens with mental episodes, but suddenly a person loses interest in almost everything. There’s no self‑starting, no spark to begin new activities, and repetitive routines take over the day. The person becomes almost a blank slate, feeling as if there’s nothing to do.
And getting out of that state is difficult.
So difficult, in fact, that I don’t know what to do about it for someone I’m caring for. I don’t know what might catch their interest or occupy their time. If I did, both of our days would be significantly better.
And yes — if you can’t tell — I’m blaming myself.
But I went through it. I got myself out of it, too. I just don’t know how to do that for someone else.
Every person is different.
All I can do is try to engage them and work from there. So far, though, it’s been hard.
I have a toothache that only hurts when I drink coffee.
The word of the day is anxiety. A lack of sleep leads to it.
I'm in a weird mood. I think I'm losing hope that the person I'm caregiving for is ever going to walk unassisted again. He's slower than ever, for no apparent reason. It could be dementia causing it, but our neurologist appointment isn’t until late September. Who knows what condition he'll be in by then.
These are words that break my heart when it comes to individuals living with dementia. Maybe it’s because I once said the same thing myself during a mental breakdown years ago.